Scared Sweaty: This Fit Mom Looks Like a Witch for Halloween... Without Trying!

Here's what's scary for me today.

My face.

Feeling a little like those knobby pumpkins. The "warty" variety, I believe they're called. These little bumps start out on my face harmless, but I go after them like the villain in a slasher movie. What can I say, I'm a picker. This says a lot about my personality. I am not one who can sit idly by and wait for a little, tiny bump--inconspicuous to everyone else but feeling like a water balloon under the skin to me-- resolve itself on it's own. It's sport and nervous habit rolled into one.

Expected when your 16. Not so much at 42.

So I took my warty pumpkin head to my friendly neighborhood salon for a facial on Saturday. I needed two things. Professional help and a nap. I hadn't had a full night's sleep in over a week. Also scary. Every single one of my children is to blame for one reason or another for waking me up at least one time a night last week. All of them. Little goblins.

A facial would buy me one hour of lying prone in a relaxed atmosphere. Sure I would pay for my nap. I was that desperate. I imagined that I would emerge from the room clear-skinned and refreshed.

That's not exactly how it happened.

I could no more sleep through that facial than I could through childbirth. In fact, I think I used Lamaze breathing to make it through that hour. My aesthetician is a picker too, but she was armed with steam, a magnifying mirror and sharp tools. So I emerged from my facial looking as if a spooky black cat attacked my face.

Plus, the moment I walked into her room for my afternoon facial still wearing my workout clothes from that morning, she was on to me.

"How often do you work out?"

I'm proud of this answer, I don't have to fudge the numbers, like I do when the dental hygienist asks me how often I floss. I answered truthfully. I workout 5 to 6 times a week.

"Do you wash your face after you workout?"

Uh oh.

I stammered here. I knew what the right answer was, just like I know the right answer for the dental hygienist. But I felt the trap. She knew the answer just by looking at my face, as does the dental hygienist when she cleans my teeth.

So I dove right into the busy mom fall-back answer where you don't actually say you do or you don't but that you give it your best shot, and as it is you're squeezing workouts into borrowed time, and if you're lucky enough to accomplish that workout, chances are you do not have time to shower, too.

So she put it to me this way: "You know how when you make eggs for breakfast and you rinse the dishes right away they are much easier to clean later, but if you don't rinse them first you have to go back at the dishes with a scrubber and other tools to chisel the stuck-on food off the plate?"

Funny thing, I did feel a little like I had egg on my face.

Then she asked: "Do you drink wine?"

Did I mention I have four kids? Did I mention I'm holding my life together by a strand of dental floss, which I should be using to floss? Did I mention I haven't had much sleep in 8 years?

YES I DRINK WINE!

I think she mentioned some nonsense about wine contributing to the pimple problem but it's clear to me that wine is not the cause. Stress, yes. So you might mistake wine consumption for increased zits, when in fact the wine is only a correlation due to the stress. I'd even say the wine helps. With enough wine I lose the urge to pick at my face. Lose the urge or consciousness, same thing.

You know what else I'm supposed to give up? The anti-aging serum I was convinced to buy six months ago.

"Just until we get your face cleared up," She suggested. "We can worry about that later."

That?


That would be the fine lines and wrinkles, which for the moment are dominated by zits. Anyone else find this ridiculous?

More scary were her instructions to wash my face three times a day followed by an application of tea tree oil to the affected areas, making me smell like a witch who has been stewing in her own evil potion.

Just one more thing to do. As it is I eat most of my meals standing up. Does it sound like I have time to wash my face three times a day? I am supposed to floss my teeth and meditate, too, but...

What I am trying to do right by my body is to workout most days of the week. I've learned as I've gotten older, I can't just workout anymore. I also have to stretch. I have to strength train. I have certain therapeutic exercises I must do so I can keep exercising pain free. Now add washing my face to clear up the adult acne so I can get back to my anti-aging regimen. I am still young enough to roll my eyes. Or maybe I just think I'm rolling my eyes, I'll bet my eyes looked crossed instead, like that stinky witch.

As instructed I started my morning with a good face washing and followed that with an inspection in the mirror. I passed over the dark circles, zits and fine lines. You know what I saw in my reflection? Dammit if I didn't see a chin hair.

I really need no help at all with this witch costume.

Does your life as a fit mom contribute to your halloween costume?